Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Did you know that anxiety is exhausting?  And all-consuming? It’s like I’m continually having a conversation with myself.  “How am I feeling now?  How about now?  Is that stomach ache from lunch or anxiety?  How about my heartburn?  What should I do now to counteract this anxiety?”  Exhausting, I say! 


Thankfully, I having a wonderful group of supportive friends that are encouraging and compassionate.  The last couple weeks have been really hard.  After the major upheaval of managing a remodel, selling two houses, incorporating my mom into our household and moving a thousand miles away to a new community, I have held it together pretty well.  Really worked hard at balance- lots of time with friends before we left, massages, hot baths, quiet time alone etc. 


But once we got here and Christmas came and the relatives came (have you read that children’s book, “The Relatives Came”?  it’s a great one.), I couldn’t hold it all anymore and my tendency toward anxiety came rushing right back.  Thankfully, my doc in San Diego gave me some herbal suggestions (knowing that I hate going the medicine route- and just got off the meds earlier this year).  These have seemed to help as I am feeling better.  Walking a bit timidly through my life right now- the “fear-of-fear” response as fabulous writer Dr. Hart calls it.  I have hope that the Lord will use the herbs, along with the things I learned a couple years ago from a counselor to bring me back to a place of peace. 


We are supposed to close on the new house by the end of this week (silly wells fargo is holding up the san diego sale thereby holding us up here) which will be one major unknown checked off.  Then we’ll move into a season of unpacking the storage container (ugg) and making decisions about what goes where (stressful but fun).  I am hopeful that I can walk through that with grace, flexibility and gentleness toward myself, Eric, Mom and my precious boys. 


It’s a weird place to be- these are all great things- I am excited about these changes and a new house and decorating and having house guests and remodeling for the granny flat, but my body physically can’t handle it all.  I struggle all the time with feeling guilty about being SO self-focused now when (in the grand scheme) these are all minor things and wonderful things.  I am grateful that we are healthy and together and not in a place of poverty or grief or disease.  Just tell my body that!


Anyway, darling Mommy friends- hug those babies of yours.  And do what you can to prevent your body from coming to a place of anxiety and fear.  Balance, love, friends, quiet, counseling, JESUS!  He can and WILL sustain us through pouring out our mommy hearts all over the place.